Keeping Faith by Cindy Bradford (serial 15)
Chapter 4 Part IV
Cindy Bradford
Sue slept better that night than she had in a month. The next few days, Patrick was sweet and attentive, but by the weekend he was moody again, seemingly on a rollercoaster of emotions and taking Sue with him.
His dreams were nagging him, and lately they were always the same. They had been before he called Father Andrew about getting his scholarship to Notre Dame, and now they were more frequent. In them, every time he was a Cardinal Bishop in Rome, the closest confident of the Pope. He could even see his own robe, the tiny red buttons. He had only seen one Cardinal in his life and that was three years earlier. Nor had he been to Rome, yet the pictures were vivid. A line of tourists stretched around the Vatican to get in, not with the chance to see the Pope, just to be a part the Holy See.
After the third dream, he called Father Andrew to tell him about the images, to ask his counsel. They had talked for more than an hour and Patrick worried how he was going to pay the bill. And when he hung up he was more confused, further distressed than when he called. I don’t want to be a priest, he had told Father Andrew, but his mentor was unyielding in his guidance. We do not always have the opportunity to select our future. Remember, your fate was decided before you were ever born. Other events drive us, direct who we will be as well, and we don’t even know it. Perhaps, it is simply God’s way.
The remainder of the month and into May they fought over things that had never been a problem before. Everything irritated or set Patrick off which was out of character for the Patrick Sue had fallen in love with and known all these months.
With only one week of school left Patrick called Sue and told her he was coming over, that he had borrowed a car from “one of the guys down the hall.” For almost two years, Patrick had never used anyone’s car but Sue’s. Wonder why he’s doing that now, she thought, a little exasperated. If it’s that easy, I wish he had borrowed one a lot of nights before this close to the end of the semester. When Patrick arrived he was nervous and serious. “Sue, we have to talk.”
“Okay, but don’t I get a kiss?”
Ignoring her question he rushed on, “Sue, this is really difficult for me. I have been weighing this since I was home Christmas. I should have been more forthright with you earlier, but I wasn’t sure. I’ve fought it and I thought I could get past it, but I can’t.”
“What in the world is wrong, Patrick?”
Beginning to cry, tears fell to his shirt. “Sue, we can’t ever get married. I… I…I have decided to become a priest.”
Sue was shocked. She thought their problems might be another girl or a disagreement with his family, but the idea of his becoming a priest left her completely speechless for a few minutes. “But Patrick…”
Trying hard to compose himself, Patrick said, “I’m really sorry, Sue. I know that I’ve hurt you, but this is something I have to do. Maybe I’m selfish, but you can’t believe how many nights I’ve spent agonizing over this. I may be making the biggest mistake of my life, but if so, it is not without thought. I love you, but I can’t marry you.”
“Patrick, I know you go to Mass every morning and you’ve talked about being raised Catholic, and all, but I never dreamed you were that serious about it.”
“It’s been in the back of my mind for years. I’ve toyed with it. There have been times when I thought I would leave the Catholic Church completely and then I would start feeling guilty. It is my heritage, the only thing I know; so the best way I can deal with it is to just give in and be the best priest there ever was–to be everything a priest should be.”
“I wish you had shared some of this before…before we had sex,” Sue said, her voice shaky but growing louder. “I believed you. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together.” She stopped, now crying almost uncontrollably. She looked down, twisting the tiny promise ring on her finger.
“I know Sue. I was wrong, but I thought I could change the way I felt. I thought I could resist the pull I kept going back to. I’m truly sorry. Can you ever forgive me,” he asked, gently turning her to look at him.
Sue wheeled away, “What difference does it make?” She was shouting now, “You’re leaving and never coming back. You’ve made your choice.” Then in a softer voice she asked, “Is there anything I can say that will change your mind?”
“No, Sue, nothing.”
“Then just leave, Patrick, just leave me alone,” she screamed. As he started for the door she yelled, “Get out of my house,” slamming the door behind him so hard one of her mother’s plates fell off the wall, breaking into tiny pieces. She rushed over and bent down to look at the pile of splintered porcelain. Then she sat down beside it and sobbed.
When Patrick reached the car, he was crying too. He thought he would feel relieved that he had finally told Sue; all he felt was sadness.
Sue cried herself to sleep.
Final exam classes were different than the regular schedule giving Patrick and Sue fewer chances to encounter each other and when they did it was only to exchange glances. Friday night Patrick called, but Sue’s excitement of hearing his voice lasted less than a minute.
“I’m leaving tomorrow, Sue. I just wanted to tell you good-bye. I’m sorry; I’m really sorry, Sue. I know you don’t believe I could do this if I love you. I do love you, I wish I didn’t, but I do.”
Having had some time to compose herself from the initial shock of the week before, she answered calmly, “I do find that hard to believe, Patrick. I don’t regret these two years. I’m glad I had them with you. Good luck.” Beginning to cry as soon as she spoke the word luck, she hung up the phone.
Patrick called right back. “Please Sue, don’t hate me. Maybe we can still be friends and you could come see me some time in the fall like we talked about.”
“We’ll see Patrick,” knowing that would not happen.
“Goodnight Sue.” She thought how many times she had heard him say that and knew she would see him in the morning, but this time it was final.
“Good-bye, Patrick.”
Early the next morning before the sun was up Patrick caught the Greyhound to the airport in Dallas. Confused and tormented by his recent decisions and the hurt he had caused Sue, he wiped a tear as he glanced at the illuminated letters on the sign, “Leaving Townsend. Come Back Soon.”
At home where she had lived her whole life, Sue wondered where he might be and why she felt so strangely different inside. Perhaps, it was because she was two months pregnant with Patrick’s baby. She hadn’t told him because there had been no reason. After all, he had said, “nothing would change his mind.”